3 Signs You Are at a Crossroads in Your Relationship
A crossroad in a relationship is an opportunity to stop and reflect on your current situation. It is at these times that our relationships are truly tested. I'm not saying that confiding in a close friend is unwise, but should be. It's important to know when a relationship has reached its natural end. Here are 3 signs you are at a crossroads in your relationship. If you are questioning the. I'm pretending to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship I want a sexless relationship with my partner but want to stay married/committed.
It is a difficult path, and unfortunately, a path that one must walk alone in order to understand their true position. I'm not saying that confiding in a close friend is unwise, but should be shared with caution. Even a friend with the best intentions can be quick to offer an opinion when the end result does not concern them. It is so easy to say 'you could do better', 'what a jerk', or 'if I were you In reality, no one can truly understand the inner workings of your relationship the way you do, and so it is you who must make the choice to either see it through or walk away.
What can make this period even more difficult is the fact that it can be easy, especially at the beginning of a relationship, to turn a blind eye toward the faults and flaws of the other. We all have them, but somehow we manage to ignore what we do not wish to see. Once the relationship has moved past the 'honeymoon' stage, new layers begin to show themselves.
Therefore, it can be difficult at the beginning to determine if you are truly on the right path. It is a work in progress, a structure that builds and changes over time, and it is nearly impossible to predict the end result. Sometimes an imperfect relationship at the beginning can result in something beautiful, if the key elements are there and the foundation is strong. Sometimes what may seem flawless at the beginning ends up a complete disaster, simply because what is on the surface is not a reflection of what lies beneath.
This wild unpredictability can confuse even the most dedicated partners. This truth, combined with the stress of everyday life, can make it difficult to sift through the various aspects of a distressed relationship.
As frightening and heart wrenching as this process may be, it can also be life changing. Without this process, without taking the time to truly sort through the relationship, how will you ever know your true position? How could you ever feel truly confident in your decision without first experiencing this crossroad? There is a certain confidence that can result from understanding why you make the choices you do. Should the relationship survive, this crossroad could be a blessing, showing you that you can survive the bad times as well as the good times.
It could strengthen the bonds that you have already worked so hard to build, and offer a security that you may not have felt, had you not paused at the crossroad and taken the time to understand it.
Some may say that a crossroad is a curse, a bad omen, simply a sign that the relationship just isn't meant to be. I say that it is a blessing, an opportunity to truly understand the inner workings of a relationship. As far as I can see, I have a few options.
So she could heal all her issues and I'm still stuck on "Problem 2" above. You will be happier in the long run, even though you may destroy someone in the process. This is the "you made your bed, now lie in it," or "You are lucky to have someone that loves you, etc" mentality. It doesn't help to know that I'm the one that came up with the idea of moving us down here. She followed me here.
So now I'd be going back on all of those decisions And the logistics involved with a separation is mind-dizzying and terrifying to me. We have so much invested in one another at this point. I once heard someone say "if you could be out of a relationship, have all hard feelings resolved and there were no consequences what-so-ever. Would you end the relationship?
What You Must Understand When Relationships are at Crossroads
So here I am. I guess I'm not asking for a solution, but perhaps perspective. I'm stuck deep in the middle of this. I'm at the center of this entire dilemma. My decisions at the end of the day will have a profound impact on someone's life. And my indecisiveness will only hurt my own life.
I feel terribly lost, and terribly selfish.
3 Signs You Are at a Crossroads in Your Relationship
I hate feeling this way. I have so much guilt just writing all these thoughts out. Really, it sounds like you should both be in therapy, if you're not already. Even if you weren't feeling so ambivalent about your own role in the relationship, she's got some serious issues that are affecting you, too.
But of course you can't make her go. So check out some resources on your own to deal with your own issues. A good therapist or counselor can help you move towards making a decision, or at least become more comfortable with your situation and the way you relate to it. Also, your age -- both of your ages -- point to a crossroads in the "Am I an adult?
I day-dream about all of the things that I could potentially do if I lived alone. Did you do these things when you haven't been part of a couple? If not, why not? What's the longest time you've been single? If you're framing "awesome life" as something you can only live if you're single, and you keep having relationships, then you might want to think about that.
I am sure therapy is the best way to gain perspective but maybe some time away would help. I am always amazed how absence does make the heart grow fonder. The only reason you're writing here is because you feel guilty and afraid of how she'll react and are a little worried that your own issues are muddying the fact that you want out now.
But you know what you need. So, how do you go about getting out of this relationship while also being kind to her and doing what you can to minimize her pain? That, as I see it, is the question you want to ask.
As others have said before, you don't have to have an iron-clad rational reason for wanting to end a relationship, it's enough the you just need out. So think about what you can do to make the transition easier for her, think about therapy, and move forward. You want to go forward, you're just afraid, and that's ok. You know what you need. You both need therapy, I think, and even if she's turned a corner, some of the things you describe sound terrifically unhealthy.
It's not your job to fix her, but out of simple human compassion, you should advise her to seek therapy and support that. I have no take on breaking up or not - your reasons sound a little immature and your desire to be free seem more about a romantic fantasy a pattern you recognize than about facing how much work you're doing to keep this afloat. Couples therapy might help with the hurting her by accident is it always the same accident?
Given your level of frustration, early in therapy you need to be clear on the possibility that the relationship may be over. Please don't start therapy without honest expectations on both sides. I don't know that it wouldn't, either, but really. The last person I dated seriously, right, they had this really charming way of sticking their tongue out at me in a playful way. They were adorable when tipsy. They had a really nice singing voice. They made these awesome deadpan jokes and I remember a lot of them really well.
They had a scar on their jawline that I found really sexy. These are specific things I loved that I can name about someone I cared a lot about, even though we're not together now. I say this because there are a lot of paragraphs about specific things you find hard to live with, and a couple sentences containing very very broadly positive statements about her.
To my outsider's eye, it kind of seems like your mind is made up and you're having a hard time admitting it. I'm pretty sure you spend so much time thinking about solutide because your relationship makes you miserable and you'd like to get out of it.
Yeah I mean I don't know that this is really gonna change. It seems like it's just going to drive a wedge deeper until you're one of those old couples who don't sleep in the same bed anymore and don't even particularly like each other but they're still together and no one knows why. Force of habit, maybe. This doesn't sound like anyone's fault. It really just seems like you've grown apart. I think that talking to a therapist would help you in your approach to relationships, but as far as this specific relationship, the best thing for both of you might be to let this go.
It'll be messy and you'll beat yourself up for a long time over it but it seems like the best course of action. The threats of suicide are worrisome but they can't be your responsibility, even if you were going to stay with her. Treat her with kindness and love, because she deserves that, but if you're looking for permission to get out of this, you've got it.
One option you didn't mention was just going ahead and living your life. Not excluding her, of course, but stop holding yourself back because of a relationship. That never makes either party happy. If you want to have adventure and jump out of a plane, or go on safari in Africa for examplestart going for it and see if she can roll with the changes with you.
I think that could be a signifier to see if you can both move on with the changes in your lives or not. Not holding yourself back might expand the whole relationship. Or it might clarify that you are no longer going in the same life direction. Has that been the pattern with other relationships as well? Never mind, that wasn't the question.
It's messy for all the reasons you mentioned, but the bottom line is that this relationship is not meeting your needs anymore, and I see deep incompatibilities combined with insufficient gains.
The investment is not worth the return. I'm an ENFP and I'm a restless being at the best of times, and at the worst of times have anxiety about getting older without sampling every!
I'm not commenting on whether you should break up with this specific woman: But I do think that you should think through the implications of this idea of missing out, in general. Choosing certain doors necessarily means shutting other doors for good. Becoming a great surgeon necessarily means not spending your time becoming a professor in the geopolitics of South Asia, and choosing to go to Australia precludes going to Italy the same week.
So if your anxiety is primarily about the implications of making choices - in this case, the choice to be with a particular woman - you should remember that you can't avoid making choices that automatically exclude other possible choices. The choice facing you isn't whether to be with this woman, or to be with all possible women. The choice facing you is to be with this woman, or with another woman, or with no other woman possibly.
The other thing to note is that by ending all your relationships at the 3-year mark, you necessarily miss out what it feels like to be in a relationship that deepens and matures with time. Sure, if you dump this woman, you'll get to sample maybe 10 other 3-year relationships in your life, but if you do that you won't know what it's like to build up a lifetime of shared memories with one particular person, with all their quirks and failings as everybody has.
Either way, there is a choice, with benefits and losses on either side, and you will have regrets and doors you have not sampled with any option you pick.
I think that by framing committing to one person "missing out", you're painting too rosy a picture of the other side. All of your options involve growing old and missing out. In 40 years, you'll be 73 years old, and you will have made certain choices - both in terms of relationships and in terms of activities - that exclude others.
The key thing is to imagine yourself in 40 years, having made your life's choices, and in doing so think hard about which doors you will most regret not having gone through, and which you feel comfortable closing softly behind you, recognizing that you can't enter them all.
I thought I would never want to have a lifetime partnership or a marriage because of how much I valued those things. Then I met someone who totally supported me in doing my own things, had his own things to do while I was doing my things, and didn't freak out when I was doing things without him.
There's someone like that out there for you if you choose to look for them. My resentment basically led me to do some really horrible things, directly and indirectly, to my SO, that 15 years ago, I would have never ever imagined I'd be capable of doing. All I'm saying is, if you resent her, you may be surprised at how that resentment manifests itself after years and years of it slowly building.
What To Do When You’re at a Relationship Crossroad
I know I was. From your post it's obvious that you have lost whatever you once felt for her and this is not her problem, but at this point, going from what you've written, it sounds like you're leading her on and don't actually want to fix anything as much as you want to run.
I've read the other comments and I honestly don't understand how it is her fault that you resent her: This is something I think you need to deal with yourself. These are things I do in my relationship. Honestly, none of your "I want to be alone" stuff sounds like you want to be alone at all; it sounds like you just don't want to be with your current SO.
It's much more selfish for you to continue being with someone you're not really in love with than to let them find someone who really does love them.
At some point, you're going to have this conversation with her. The humane thing is to do it sooner rather than later. If you are some kind of saint and will not resent her even slightly, you may be able to make it work through some miracle of therapy and drugs. But if you're going to be constantly wondering what you missed while you were "soldiering on" with her, half-heartedly, then I strongly suspect you will end up resenting her.